my odd reflection on a reading from "The Cloud of Unknowing"

niggling.
not sure if that's a word.
that feeling that I've got ants in my pants.
that restless, fidgety, sometimes excited, sometimes panicky feeling.
the distraction that boils just below the surface, vying for my attention and even, at times, my affection.
peace.

it's clamouring grows louder.
jostling my soul.
to-do's that call me to be a Martha instead of a Mary
worries that gnaw at my essence, chewing up and spitting out my fragile trust
dreams that tempt me into creating a back up plan should God fail to come through
endless phone calls and emails that poorly mimic the communication my soul truly desires
peace.

the noise escalates to a roar.
my ego shrieks to be crowned king and master
the judgement I fear from others beats against my soul like a boat battered by the waves of a stormy sea
my heart longs to climb out of the boat
to run, unfettered, across the turbulent sea...
and yet, I hesitate - not trusting myself, not trusting HIM.
peace. be still.